Winning over your Unbelieving Spouse
Published by Stanley Pouw in 2010 · 13 June 2010
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3 Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands,”
Let us start by giving you again the context of this message. Peter is writing to persecuted Christians to encourage them. He tells them how to live in a hostile world by not letting circumstances affect you negatively and by focusing on Christ, His glorious future, His power and His resources.
Peter begins by focusing our living hope on Christ by first remembering our great salvation, as described in 1 Peter 1:1 till 1 Peter 2:11. Secondly he moves from the past to the present and from 1 Peter 2:12 on he says, “focus on our Christian example before men” all the way till 1 Peter 4:6.
So now we are in the middle of setting Christian examples for others. Essentially if we are to give an outstanding testimony of our life, then it has to start with us in our family. Our lives have to show a certain character that points others to Christ.
What Peter says is this, you're going to live in a hostile world and this will manifest itself in all social relationships. There are three primary social relationships: the government, the work place and the family. We have discussed the first two and now Peter teaches us about the family relationship.
What word comes up again and again after 1 Peter 2:12? It is the word “submit”, first it teaches us to submit to human institutions, then to masters and now the first portion of chapter 3 talks first of wives that have to submit to their husbands.
The bottom line in our testimony in the society in which we live is submission. That's the key word. You will notice also in verse 7 it says, "You husbands likewise," and the likewise picks up the same thought of submission. Now this is a very basic and essential concept.
God wants us to submit to the social order and social patterns that God Himself has established. He does not want us to rebel and to demand our rights. And we are not to feel superior to this social order.
As Christians we are children of God and because of that have a higher authority to answer to. And because of that it is easy to feel superior to the worldly systems and say that those requirements do not apply to us anymore. It is easy to decide that you do not want to listen to your unbelieving spouse.
But remember what our main task as a Christian is! The only reason we live is for evangelistic reasons. We are here to make Christ known to everyone, in society and in our workplace and in the family. And to be effective God teaches us to submit.
And the question is: what does a wife do when she is married to an unbelieving husband? What does a husband do when he is married to an unsaved wife? Does he feel superior? Does he treat her with indifference because she is not a citizen of the Kingdom?
And what should she do? Does she reject his authority who is a non-Christian husband because she has another authority, Christ? Does she demand her rights both physical and spiritual because she is now regarded valuable by God? What is the proper responsibility of each partner when married to an unbeliever?
Now the context here is not related to teachings in a Christian marriage. We started with how a Christian should live in a non-Christian society and then discussed how a Christian should live in a non-Christian workplace and now how a Christian should live with a non Christian partner.
Now remember the purpose of our testimony. It is so that people will observe our lives and glorify God in the day of visitation. In other words, there is a possibility that they'll be saved. We are also to be submissive to our employers for this will find favor with God. How? By making gospel truth real as people can see it in our lives. And the same is true in the family.
Now we begin with wives. And Peter here is not biased but he gives six verses to wives and only one verse to husbands. That is because when a wife became a Christian in those days the potential for difficulty in the marriage was much greater than when a husband became a Christian because a husband was already in charge any way.
But when a wife, who was viewed as lower class, becomes a Christian independently of her husband, the potential for conflict and embarrassment and difficulty was much greater.
The Christians to whom Peter wrote were scattered in the Greek world, and in that culture for a woman to change her religion without her husband doing was unthinkable. Why? Because in Peter's day they were second class citizens and their opinion was irrelevant and unwanted.
But when a woman becomes a Christian and she understands the principle of Galatians 3:28 which says, "In Christ there is neither male or female, we're all one in Christ," she realizes that in Christ she has reached a level of living that her unsaved husband knows nothing about.
She is free in Christ. She has a new Lord and a new master. And it would be easy for her to treat her husband with disdain, with indifference, or even with rejection. If she's not careful their relationship can fall apart.
For a wife to become a Christian would be very embarrassing to the husband because no woman ever did that independently. He would not understand this mystical relationship she had with this Jesus Christ. For her to be brave enough to do that could put her in a position where she would suffer abuse.
So that's the issue. How then does a Christian wife relate to her unsaved husband in such a way as to fulfill her mission? And what's her mission? Our mission is to win people to Christ. How should she behave to win her unbelieving husband to Jesus Christ?
Let's first see what Peter doesn't tell her to do, right? First he doesn't tell the Christian wife to leave her husband. He doesn't say, "Well now that you're a Christian, get out of that marriage and find somebody who thinks like you do who loves Christ like you do.” No. He doesn't say that because that would be wrong.
1 Corinthians 7:13 says, “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.” Paul says that's forbidden by God. In fact, 1 Corinthians 7:14 says, “For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband.”
The blessings of God will spill over on that husband just because God is blessing the wife. That non-Christian man doesn't know how fortunate he is because she's a child of God and she is so enriched that he benefits. It doesn't mean he gets salvation through that means, it simply means outwardly in this life he is blessed.
"What if he wants to leave?" Same text, 1 Corinthians 7:15, it says, “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
For verse 16 continues, "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband, or husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?" In other words, the point is this, if he wants to stay, let him stay. But if he wants out because he can't tolerate your Christian testimony, let him go.
Second thing Peter doesn't tell her to preach at him. He doesn't tell her to argue with him. He doesn't tell her to put Bible verses on the bottom of his beer cans. He doesn't tell her to stick evangelistic tracts under the pillow in his bed. He doesn't tell her to call her pastor to the house some night when she knows he's home alone.
Thirdly, he doesn't tell her she is now equal to the man so she should demand her rights. He doesn't say that either. She is equal, of course, to any other believer spiritually but she still has a marital role to fulfill. In Christ there is neither male nor female, they are one. But in marriage there is headship and there is submission.
Well let's find out what the text says. Verse 1, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the Word (that is they're unsaved/unbelievers) they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives."
Notice how this verse starts out. It says, “In the same way”, what does this mean? If you want to make a maximum impact on the society in which you live, then be a model submissive citizen. If you want to make the maximum impact in your job, then be a model submissive employee. “In the same way” if you want to make a maximum impact on your unsaved husband, then be a model submissive wife. It's the same principle.
Realize that you have to take your place as subordinate to the spiritual leadership of your husband. This is God's design for marriage. Women are not inferior in character, intelligence, virtue, spirituality or giftedness. They are not inferior in any way. They have been simply given a role of submission to the headship of their husband.
Please note this, "Be submissive to your own husbands." Every time in the Bible such a statement is made, always it says your own husband. There is always the possessive pronoun there. Be submissive to your own husband speaks of the intimacy and the bonding of marriage. This is God's design.
Now the reason for this is so that they are submissive, verse 1, "Even if any of them (the husbands) are disobedient to the Word..." They are basically unregenerate, disobedient to the gospel. The first issue is to submit to them anyway, just as you submit to government, just as you submit on the job, for the sake of their salvation.
From the wife’s standpoint it is more important to show the love of God than to criticize him for not believing. Peter is not saying they will be saved without the Word (the Gospel), he is simply saying that no debate will win someone for Christ.
The lovely gracious gentle submission of a Christian woman to her unsaved husband is the strongest evangelistic tool she has. It's not what she says, it is what she is. The woman is to submit to her husband's leadership, so that the Holy Spirit can use that to influence him.
It is interesting to know that this attitude also contributes to a happy marriage as part of God’s design. The first duty of the wife then is submission, which can be described as voluntary selflessness and dependence. There's a second responsibility in verse 2, let's call this faithfulness. Verse 2 says, "As they observe your chaste and respectful behavior."
What does chaste and respectful behavior mean? Well it basically means irreproachable conduct, faithful to her God, faithful to her husband. Pure means you're not fooling around with anybody else. Respectful, it means you have respect for your husband.
The third principle comes in verses 3 through 6 and it is modesty. In verse 3 it says, "Let not your adornment be merely external, braiding the hair and wearing gold jewelry or putting on dresses." He says, "Look normal, because usually women focus on the outside."
He says, "Let not your adornment be merely external." "Is he against wearing gold jewelry?" I think he's not against that, after all the beautiful women; such as the bride in Song of Solomon was bejeweled and wonderfully so.
Peter says to not be preoccupied with your outside. You can see how much people spend on cosmetic surgery and diets. When people begin to go out they emphasize first impressions and what image you portray and many other externals.
People still spend fortunes on their clothing these days. And since in those days they were pretty well fully covered, most of it showed up on their face and their head where it could be seen and where their wealth and their pride could manifest itself.
But that's not true beauty. Ladies, that external beauty does not capture the heart of your husband if he is not convinced that you love him. Peter doesn't condemn all outward adornment. But what does he say? Verse 4, "Let your adornment be the hidden person of the heart." That's where the true beauty is.
By the way, the most beautiful women on the inside tend to be very beautiful on the outside, right? Have you ever noticed how makeup can't change an ugly disposition? And have you noticed how makeup can't enhance a beautiful disposition?
Look again at the rest of verse 4, “but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” Gentle means meek, quiet means just that, peaceful, calm, in control. The word spirit means disposition. The most beautiful kind of woman is the woman with a meek, gentle, peaceful, calm, quiet disposition.
That is the inner virtue that a woman should pursue and that is what wins the heart of her man. Not only that, would you please notice it is precious in the sight of whom? It is highly valued by God.
Lord, thank You for such straight forward advice and truth. Father, bless those wives who have unsaved husbands, make them all that You want them to be. Bless those husbands that have unsaved wives, make them all that a husband should be in order that they might win that partner, in order that their prayers for the salvation of their mate might not be hindered for Jesus' sake. Amen.